Day At The Office pt 7

Final case of the day:

We got an email informing us that Patriot High will be hosting 20 Danish high school students tomorrow. They will each be matched with a Patriot host-student and they will attend classes with them all day and then play the Patriot basketball team in a scrimmage in the evening.

I erupted in maniacal laughter while reading it.

“Dave! Did you read this? You’ve gotta be kidding me. Are they crazy?”

“You can’t make this shit up,” he said. “Hey, I’m gonna run to get an iced-coffee. You want anything?”

“Yeah. Get me a fuckin’ donut.”

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Day At The Office pt 6

Fifth case of the day:

I was trying to grade some homework at my desk as Dean Jake handed out a couple suspensions to some kids who ran from him in the halls. One of them had a hoodieover his head and wouldn’t shut the fuck the up.

“Yo, why I’m suspended!” He kept asking in between laughing and cursing with his friend. After it was calmly explained to him by Jake for the third time, he yelled, “I don’t care! Y’all faggots!”

I couldn’t stand it anymore so I threw my pen down, turned to him and said, “Why do you even come to school?”

He looked at me like I just asked if I could kiss him on the mouth and sneered, “WHAT?”

Slowly and clearly, I said, “Why. Do. You. Come. Here? Stay. Home.”

“Nigga, I’m not talkin’ to you!” He yelled angrily.

“You’re in my office so you ARE talking to me. And if you don’t care like you say you don’t, then just don’t come. Please. I’m begging you.” I was shaking with anger now but I turned back to my papers and tried to focus. But I could still hear him, “This motherfucker right here…. thinks he’s……. tryin’ to be………. yo, this is when I shoot niggas in the face…..”

I threw my pen down again. “What the fuck did you say?”

“WHAT!!” He yelled back at me in the “What the fuck you gonna do about it??” tone.

“What did you say?” I repeated. I needed an admission to make a case stick against him.

“I don’t know. What DID I say?” He replied mockingly.

“Say it again!” I yelled. “You wanna shoot someone in the face? Say it again!”

“OHHHH, THAT’S WHAT I SAID? IS THAT WHAT I SAID??” He had that, “Is baby gonna cry??” look on his face now.

Then his friend yelled, “He ain’t say that! I’m a witness!”

I walked over to Jake, “This motherfucker needs to leave. Now!”

Jake sent both of them back to class. “Sorry Pistol,” he said. “I should have sent him away earlier.” Then he looked down at the kid’s file.

“Man, long file. Huh. Just got out of jail too.”

“Great,” I said. “Just send me to Afghanistan already. It’ll be safer there and at least I’ll get to be outside.”

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Day At The Office pt 5

Fourth case of the day:

Two large men walked into the office escorted by a safety agent who leaned over to Dave and whispered, “They’re a little irate.”

“You Dave?” One of them asked Dave aggressively while also smiling an odd smile. His friend stood there silently behind him with his arms crossed over his massive torso.

“Uh, yeah…” said Dave apprehensively.

“Where’s the boy shoved my niece yesterday?” The man barked.

“Um, and who are you?”

“I’m her uncle!” He shot back.

“And, do you have an appointment? Is anyone expecting you?”

“Nah! I don’t need no appointment!”

“I see. Well… I already spoke to the girl’s mother so there’s nothing more to-”

“I wanna see the boy that shoved my niece!” The man demanded.

“Listen,” said Dave. “I was there. I saw the whole fight. And I didn’t see anyone shove your niece besides the girl that she was fighting in our hallways. Okay? And frankly, it’s been your niece that’s been stirring the pot today by going around and pointing out this boy to everyone and trying to get things going again, so -”

The man, still smiling weirdly, leaned down toward Dave. “The FUCK you say?” he snarled. “You sayin’ it’s her fault?” The silent buddy took a step closer.

Dave was glancing nervously over at the safety agent now, “Uhh, I can take you to the principal sir, but there’s nothing more I can do for you here. I can’t just bring a student in to someone that’s not their guardian, you know.”

The men finally left with the safety agent and Dave looked around the office wide-eyed. “Where the hell are those cops when you need them?” The NYPD had just been in the office a few minutes earlier to remove an irate student. “And they just let anyone in here?” he continued. “Ohhhhhh, you’re NOT a parent? You DON’T have an appointment? You’re irate? SURE! COME ON IN! Jesus Christ!”

Down in the principal’s office, the “uncles” didn’t get much further in their quest to “talk” to the boy they were after, and they were eventually seen leaving the building shouting that the school is racist.

Fun day.

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Day at the Office 4: Goldy Locks and the Three Bears

Fourth case of the day:

There were three cops in the deans office: one small, one medium, one large. Like three bowls of porridge. An overweight special ed girl, who was one person’s friend and another person’s enemy was startin’ to get loud. The cops told her to calm down but she rushed the dividing door to fight a girl in the other room anyway. The smallest cop shoved her away from the door with both hands.

“SIDDOWN!” He shouted.

She tumbled backward into the big bowl, who was standing there daydreaming with his hands in his pockets. The girl yelled at him, “GET OFF ME!!!” And she gave him a whack in the chin with her forearm. The big cop looked like someone had just dumped a bucket of ice water on his head. He blinked a couple of times, looked at the girl, raised his huge arms in the air, wrapped them around her neck and dropped her to the ground, breaking at least one chair in the process.

That’s when Vicki slowly rose from her desk, smiling one of those “this is so crazy, I’m just going to smile politely” smiles, and tip-toed out of the office into the safety of the hall. Our other secretary followed her. She was not smiling.

The girl turned on the water-works and started in with the crazy-screams, so the cops had to make an EDP (Emotionally Disturbed Person) call for an ambulance.

“What hospital did you go to last time?” the medium cop asked her. “Why? Because you won’t calm down. Yeah, but you hit my partner. We have to check you into a facility. Oh, you don’t like that facility? What hospital do you want to go to then? Okay, that one’s better for you? Fine.”

When I went to check on the secretaries, Vicki said, “You know this is nothing new, but I’m just tired. You know? I just had to get out of the office. And she has a history of this you know. People like that shouldn’t be in a normal school. Retawded people have incredible strength you know. My niece lives in a facility and when she gets angry, NO ONE can stop her. No one.”

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Day At The Office pt 3

Second case of the day:

“ksschh… 52 on the third floor!!!!! 52 on the third floor!!!! kscchhhh….”  I didn’t have to ask for a room number. I new when I got the third floor that it would be obvious where the fight was. As I jogged down the hall toward the crowd that was trying to push its way into one of the classrooms, the radio was still blowing up. “52!!! 52!!!”

Pushing through the spectators is always scary because they get aggressive and you have to be even more aggressive back. When I managed to push my way into the room I saw that it was strewn with overturned desks, scattered papers, and students standing up against the wall. In the back corner two girls were screaming bloody murder and holding tight to the other’s hair with death grips. A large safety agent and Dean Jake were trying their hardest to pry them apart.

“Let go of her hair!!!” Shouted Dean Jake.


All of the opposing forces at work caused the whole awkward foursome to stumble dangerously towards an open window. But as soon as all the hair was pried out of all the hands, the bodies flew apart from each other and were instantly pinned against corners of radiators and the edges of wobbly desks by a bunch of safety agents. But the girls were still kicking and screaming, so Dean Jake took it up a notch and managed to wrap one girl’s body into something resembling a straight jacket and he held her like that as she thrashed her head from side to side like she was in The Exorcist.

“NOOOOOO!!!! I KILL HUH!!!! THAT’S THE SECOND TIIIIIIIME!!!!!!! NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!! THAT’S THE SECOND TIME THEY JUMPED ME IN MY CLASS!!!!!!!!!!! I CAN’T LIVE HERE ANY MORE!!!!!!!!!!! I DON’T WANNA BE IN THIS CITY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHH HAAAA HHHAAAAA!!!!!!!!” Tears ran into the scratches on her face, and dripped from her chin in pink drops.

An assistant principal eventually got all students out of the room and into the library. I grabbed one of the fighter’s purses that was laying on the floor and we made a haggard parade to the deans office.

After we got inside, a group of girls began to congregate near the door and whenever someone would come or go they would try to rush inside and attack the Exorcist girl. We would push them out every time but they wouldn’t leave, They just kept pacing back and  forth behind the door like lions.

At one point I came out and yelled at them to go to class, threatening to suspend every one of them for 60 days. They slowly walked down the hall, cackling and screaming threats as they went. I followed with two safety agents and when we got close to them they screwed up their faces, turned to us and yelled “WE GOIN’ TO CLASS!” and pushed past us.

“kschhh….. 52 in front of the library!!! 52 in front of the library!!!! kschhh….”

Another fight…

I was still carrying the first girl’s purse as I jogged toward the library. I should probably sprint to fights, but I’m in no hurry anymore. I’d crawl if I could.

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Day At The Office pt 2

First case of the day:

A mother came into the office and told us that her daughter made a new friend a couple weeks ago. The new friend introduced her to a whole new crew of girls, all of them “butch” lesbians. Soon after, the butch girls beat up and robbed her daughter. The girl was out for two weeks, recovering. She came back to school yesterday. She saw the “friend” in the halls and the friend asked her where she had been. When she told her, the new friend promised to meet her in front of school this morning and make sure she got in safely. When she met her this morning, a block from school, she had the butch girls with her, along with three boys. She ran from them, but they cornered her in a back yard. The boys robbed her again and then they told the girls to beat her up. They did, leaving her bruised, bloody and half naked on the sidewalk.

Just another morning in the deans office at Patriot High School.

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Day At The Office pt 1

Today was day 2 of the Facebook Wars and all the Dean’s classes were covered because we were short handed and it promised to be a busy day. Of course no one informed me that my two ESL Science classes were covered, so a confused looking substitute stumbled into my class about 3 minutes into the period just as I was explaining the day’s assignment.

“On the top of the page, describe an environment. Describe the climate, the available food source, the predators and the terrain. Then list the physical or behavioral adaptations that a group of humans might develop in that environment by the process of evolution by natural selection. Underneath that, draw a picture of the new human and all his physical changes. This is due by tomorrow morning. Any questions?”

“Mister, I have a question.”


“Do we have to draw a picture or just write?”

I threw my hands up in defeat and handed the attendance sheet to the covering teacher. We’d both been there for years but I had no idea who he was. It’s a big school.

“I’m sorry, what’s your name?” I asked.

“Mister Nassassmalil.”



I nodded and turned to the class, “This guy will be your teacher toady. Be good and do your work.” Then I turned back to the guy. “Good luck.”

“Mister! Where you going?” Shouted a girl.

“I have to be a cop and go patrol the halls.”

“No you not! You goin’ to eat donuts!”

I shrugged, “Probably.”

“Can I go with you?” Yelled a girl who had just arrived in the country from Colombia. She flashed a bright smile as she batted her eyelashes at me.

Taken aback, I paused before saying, “No.”

I could hear the “oooohs” and “ahhhhhs” and laughs from the class as I walked out.

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